7 years

I have not written in this blog for 7 years. 7 fucking years.
In that time, i have lost my father, changed jobs, moved 3 times, fell in love, had my heart broken, been emotionally and verbally abused, and had my life changed by two 27 year old musicians.

Not sure if it's worth getting back into this blog, but...i might try,

Some days...

I want to curl up into a little ball and fucking disappear.

Help

Weekend with Kayla went much better than expected.

Had to come home early on my first day back to work today because my dad was sick. He says he's better now. But, now i am panicking about getting reamed out tomorrow by my boss. the last thing i fucking need right now is to either get suspended, or written up again. God...i don't fucking need this today. :(

Fuck

Tomorrow Kayla comes for her 4 days visit.

Still having car problems, but new ones now....i think i need a new muffler, and might have gotten bad gas last week, so i might need a new fuel pump or fuel filter. So...that right there would be about $600 give or take. Even if it's just a muffler, it might still cost me $300-$500. I have no where near that kind of money right now, and I have no clue what to do. I wish I could say I can just wait until i get my income tax, but...not sure if it will wait that long, if not do more damage.

As if i didn't have enough to stress about, now i have to worry about the car giving me problems while Kayla is here. I'm still nervous about my dad being okay here while we're out. And to be quite honest, I am not happy about spending money this weekend, when i know i should be putting it aside to fix the fucking car.

Part of me is thinking it would be smarter to attempt to get another car. But, since i cut my hours at work, i would never be able to afford it. Plus, if God forbide, i end up having to take that 6 weeks of paid leave, that would totally screw me up with paying any kind of bills. I have no prob keeping the car i have....it's nice not having a car payment every month, but if i have no way of paying for these fucking repairs... Of course i wouldn't be able to get another car if i didn't have a down payment or a decent trade in anyways.

So, basically i'm fucked.

Please God...let everything go alright during the visit with Kayla. No major crisis. And PLEASE at least let the car be okay until i get this damn bonus I'm supposed to get from work. That would prob pay for at least part of the repairs.

Tuesday

I know i sound like a damn broken record, but i SO need to try and keep up with this journal. It's supposed to be my outlet, and Lord knows i need one. but i just...never think about writing.

I need to change that. *sigh*

1:15pm

Waiting for the Dr to come for his visit with my dad.

I feel like I'm going to be sick. Honestly...I have worked myself up so much, that I feel physically sick.

I just want this done and over with. My nerves are fucking shot.

4.10pm

Dr appt went went ok. Now my dad is having bad pains in his left side. He said they feel like muscle spasms, but he's not sure.
I honestly don't know what to do, and i feel like screaming.

Short and sweet

My dad's last dr appointment didn't go well. his o2 level was very low, and the dr freaked out. even though my dad's blood work came back fine, and his last xray looked clear, the dr decided to bring up the subject of hospice care. this completely devastated me, and long story short, he's coming back on June 3 to discuss it with us.

Dad has decided, and I agree, that he doesn't need that. He is feeling much better than he has been for a long time, and while he does have breathing problems at times, it's not to the point of completely throwing up our hands and giving up, the way the dr made it sound.

I am nervous about the appointment. i am nervous that it's going to be a disaster, and that the dr will say he no longer can treat my dad. which means...well, that we're screwed.

Winding Down...

My vacay hasn't been all that I had hoped it would be. Mainly because my dad has had a rough night every night since it started. I haven't done much. Haven't accomplished anything. Hell, I didn't even mow the lawn like i meant to the other day. Oh well...I honestly don't give a shit.

Kayla & Kevin's flight was canceled this morning, so they won't get into Florida until tomorrow. She has been getting closer and closer to telling me that she feels about Lee, the was she does about Dave. I expect the confession any day now.

Lee's Homecoming videos..remind me so much of when Dave went back to KC. So many aspects of Lee's time on Idol, and hell...just Lee the person, remind me in some way of DC.

Trying not to get too overly depressed about returning to work on Wednesday. My schedule sucks, no shock there. But, she gave me off on Saturday, which means I'm going to have 2 crappy paychecks in a row.

Life is otherwise uneventful. Which I guess, is a good thing for the most part.

Vacation

So, this is day 6 of my vacation, and so far it's been....okay. My dad has had a few rough days, but overall I guess everything is alright. i know, i sound so overwhelmed with joy. but, i'm embracing my miserable bitch side these days. I mean, I'm already counting down til I have to go back, and i *still* have over a week. I'm such a fucking dumbass.

Kayla has become obsessed with Lee on AI. I knew it was coming...though she tried to act like he didn't have any affect on her. but now he's basically all she talks about. she still won't admit to this now, but this is exactly how the obsession with DC started. By the time she comes out here in August...

Ugh...don't remind me about August. I'm fucking dreading it. Wow, I'm some best friend...dreading a visit with her. But, I'm just...a pathetic loner and don't deal well with bonding in person. LOL

More of the same...

The past month has been...crappy.

Lots of problems with my dad, stress with work...the usual.

I was really hoping that kayla wouldn't find out about Daughtry playing in AC while she's here in August. First of all, I'm not a fan, and secondly, I can't afford $200 for a fucking concert. But, thanks to Kevin, she knows. And i know what's going to happen....she's going to try and convince me to go. And even if we don't...she's bound to have a shit load of her drunk friends in town that she's going to want to hang out with. Just fucking great. As if i'm not dreading this weekend enough.

Yes...Kayla is my best friend. Yes...I want to see her. BUT....her being here for 4 days is going to be awkward. She knows I have to spend a lot of that time at home taking care of my dad, and I know she didn't feel comfortable when she was at my house 2 years ago. Yes, she's staying at the Borgata, but still...either she's going to end up spending the majority of her time at the hotel by herself (or more likely now, drinking with her other friends), or she'll be here pretending like she doesn't want to get the hell away. Plus, I was already stressing about how much the Kris Allen tickets were going to cost me...there is no way i can manage $200 (and that's through the Tropicana. If we had to get tickets through Stubhub, it would be a LOT more).

I honestly can't even stress about this right now. I was up all night with my dad, and I'm about ready to pass the fuck out.

Tomorrow

I plan on dropping the car off at the shop, and having him look at the brakes. I am PRAYING it's only warped rotors and nothing more serious/expensive. It's been only a year since i got the brakes done, so it would fucking piss me off to no end if i had to have them done already.

I need a little bit of good news for a change. :(

Short and Sweet

As if this week wasn't crappy enough already...the bank is dicking around with me again with my dad's check. if it's not in by morning, i have to drag my ass to the bank and fight with those assholes. again.

i can't stand this....

If i ever.......

...came on here to write happy things, that would be the day that someone can be assured that i have been abducted by aliens.

*sigh*

More problems with my dad. Now his blood sugar is running high. It was over 200 when all he had to eat was a bagel and coffee. He has literally been so good about watching the sugar lately, i don't understand what's going on? I mean...he drinks diet soda. Using sugar substitute in his coffee. He has cut WAY back on cookies etc, and still...his sugar is high. i was thinking maybe it had to do with him being on a higher dose of the water pill....he gets thirsty a lot and pees all the time. But he always does that when he takes the water pill. now I'm worried that it's not the water pill but the diabetes going crazy.

fuck. I don't know what to do. I mean, it seems like when i make adjustments for one problem, something else pops up and knocks me on my ass all over again. i feel like such a fucking failure. like no matter what i do....it's never enough. it's never the right thing for him.

Update

So, the last week or so has had it's ups and downs.

My dad's dr appt didn't go very well. He ordered a chest x ray because he couldn't hear his lungs very well. Sure enough, there's fluid building up in them. So he doubled his Lasix meds. He's also doing breathing treatments 3 times a day.

Work has been....frustrating. i feel like such an outsider there. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm treated like an outcast ever since my boss put me back on register full time. I have so much...pent up pain and sadness wrapped up in that place. It's so toxic for me, but I have no way of escape.

The swelling in my lymph nodes have gone down finally. The car isn't running that well...kind of stuttering a little at times, and still has the vibration when i apply the brakes sometimes.

I've decided to try and get back into writing again. Not sure how that will turn out. Esp since ATH is absolutely a ghost town these days, and...again...I feel like an outsider on CT. Plus, there's the whole fact that Lisa is still a psycho, and I don't really enjoy the idea of her reading my stories and then commenting on them with her band of followers. I know how fucking catty she is. I used to be on the receiving end of her little cruel commentaries about some of the people on IOC. I joined Carlie's board, which is also quiet, but I guess I will focus on posting my old stuff there for now. I wrote a whopping 2 chapters of Mirror since Monday. But, i'm not pushing myself.

Other than that....not much going on really. I'm holding on til May 6 for my vacay. I need some time off desperately. I also HAVE to remember to put in for the time off in August when Kayla is coming to visit. I keep forgetting, and since Kayla has already bought her ticket, and booked her room, I can't wait until Char thinks it's too late to request it off.

Some days....even though i adore my father, and wouldn't trade the time i have with him for *anything*, I wish I had a different life. A happier, less stressful life.

More and more...

Dr Bolich was out to see my dad today. His O2 level was low, even after the dr pumped up the machine to 5 liters. So, he ordered a chest xray. Plus, he said he had trouble hearing his lungs. AND, he was supposed to be using his nebulizer ever since he came out of the hospital, but I didn't know that, because I never got a script for the machine etc. But, somehow the dr made it seem like i just wasn't giving it to him. Then he made a big deal of checking all his meds to make sure he was taking everything he's supposed to. I feel like a complete fucking failure right now. And I have to turn around and deal with fucking work tomorrow on top of ALLLLL of this other shit that is piling up on me.

I'm such a fucking wreck right now. The last thing I needed was more fucking stress, and this is just about enough to push me over the edge into some kind of downward spiral.

3 Days Of Freedom

After the week I had, I am so damn grateful to be off from work for the next 3 days.

My neck was hurting really badly when I woke up this morning. I think it was mainly because I slept with my head in an awkward position. Of course, I have my period, and I have been an emotional basketcase the last couple of days too...mainly over the swollen lymph nodes. I promised myself I wouldn't obsess over them anymore, but it's impossible not to. I look on the internet, and all I see are contradictions and doom and gloom. It's making me feel even worse, so I need to stop. I'm hoping it's mainly due to the rash I have on my scalp. It's on the back of my head on the right, so it would make sense that the nodes would swell only on that side, which it is right now. Also, the node behind my ear has gotten smaller over the last 2 days, so I'm trying not to panic, and be positive about things.

I'm planning on watching DWTS, and than turning in for an early night for a change. Let's see if that actually happens, or if i end up being awake until 2-3am.

More stress

My dad is doing much better.

I have swelling behind my right ear, and on my neck. Also, what feels like a bumpy rash on the back of my head. I have no fucking clue what's going on, but the swelling behind my ear started about 2-3 days ago. I felt the swelling on my neck this morning. My sinuses were bothering me yesterday, so i assumed that my lymph nodes were swollen because of that. But the sinuses seem okay today, but the swelling is still there. The little bump behind my ear seems to be a little smaller.

I've been looking it up on the internet, which can be helpful at times, but mostly just accomplishes other than scaring me even more. Sometimes the areas are really sore when i touch it, and others it's not. Sometimes it feels warm, sometimes it doesn't. I'm confused and nervous, and stressed, and .....about ready to cry.

I just want it to go away. Or at least not get any worse, and than go away over the next week or so. I'm not asking for a miracle.







PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Blah

My dad slept off and on all day and night yesterday, and so far, is doing better today.

I have a small lump behind my right ear. I believe my dad had the same thing last year. I'm hoping it's just a swollen gland, or maybe a spider bite, and will go away in a couple of days. I don't need the stress of worrying about being sick now, on top of everything else.

Watched a bunch of crappy movies yesterday...The Fourth Kind being the exception. That was actually really good.

Not much else to report. My life is fucking boring as hell.

I hate titles

This week has been trying.

Dad has been having a rough week. I have been getting little to no sleep. The stress is getting to me.

I haven't been able to focus on reading for about 2 weeks now, which makes me feel out of sorts. I have been watching a LOT of Clean House, and feeling like shit.

Kayla is planning on coming out to see me for 3 days on August 7th. We're supposed to go see Kris Allen at the Borgata (where she will be staying), and she's getting her tattoo. I love her to death, and it will be nice to spend time with her again, but honestly...3 full days seems a little excessive. I mean, there is NOTHING to do around here. And I'm hardly the party animal she is. So, I have no idea what we're going to do for all that time. Whatever...that's 5 months, and a lifetime away.

DC is supposed to be on Idol tomorrow. Doing a Stones cover. Woo. Hoo. Honestly, I will always love the boy, but I am not really thrilled with the idea of him just making his required appearance to do a lame-ass cover song, instead of one of the new songs he's supposed to have been writing since December.

Yes, yes...my attitude sucks over the last week. I can't really muster up much enthusiasm over anything. Work is slowly driving me mad, i am fucking exhausted, I'm stressed out over my dad and the million and one other problems I'm trying to deal with. I can't seem to escape into my head, or into a book like i have been the last year or so. And that fucking depresses me.

Another Fucked Up Day

Today has been a nightmare.

Started with my finding a rash on my dad's right hip that looks like it's heading towards bed sores. Than, the storm knocked out the power at work, but they wouldn't let me leave early, even when I couldn't get in touch with my dad. So, i've been a wreck all fucking day.

I put some aloe cream on the rash, and I'm praying that it at the very least doesn't get any worse, and hopefully starts to get better. God, so many damn things to worry about...