Update

So, the last week or so has had it's ups and downs.

My dad's dr appt didn't go very well. He ordered a chest x ray because he couldn't hear his lungs very well. Sure enough, there's fluid building up in them. So he doubled his Lasix meds. He's also doing breathing treatments 3 times a day.

Work has been....frustrating. i feel like such an outsider there. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm treated like an outcast ever since my boss put me back on register full time. I have so much...pent up pain and sadness wrapped up in that place. It's so toxic for me, but I have no way of escape.

The swelling in my lymph nodes have gone down finally. The car isn't running that well...kind of stuttering a little at times, and still has the vibration when i apply the brakes sometimes.

I've decided to try and get back into writing again. Not sure how that will turn out. Esp since ATH is absolutely a ghost town these days, and...again...I feel like an outsider on CT. Plus, there's the whole fact that Lisa is still a psycho, and I don't really enjoy the idea of her reading my stories and then commenting on them with her band of followers. I know how fucking catty she is. I used to be on the receiving end of her little cruel commentaries about some of the people on IOC. I joined Carlie's board, which is also quiet, but I guess I will focus on posting my old stuff there for now. I wrote a whopping 2 chapters of Mirror since Monday. But, i'm not pushing myself.

Other than that....not much going on really. I'm holding on til May 6 for my vacay. I need some time off desperately. I also HAVE to remember to put in for the time off in August when Kayla is coming to visit. I keep forgetting, and since Kayla has already bought her ticket, and booked her room, I can't wait until Char thinks it's too late to request it off.

Some days....even though i adore my father, and wouldn't trade the time i have with him for *anything*, I wish I had a different life. A happier, less stressful life.

More and more...

Dr Bolich was out to see my dad today. His O2 level was low, even after the dr pumped up the machine to 5 liters. So, he ordered a chest xray. Plus, he said he had trouble hearing his lungs. AND, he was supposed to be using his nebulizer ever since he came out of the hospital, but I didn't know that, because I never got a script for the machine etc. But, somehow the dr made it seem like i just wasn't giving it to him. Then he made a big deal of checking all his meds to make sure he was taking everything he's supposed to. I feel like a complete fucking failure right now. And I have to turn around and deal with fucking work tomorrow on top of ALLLLL of this other shit that is piling up on me.

I'm such a fucking wreck right now. The last thing I needed was more fucking stress, and this is just about enough to push me over the edge into some kind of downward spiral.

3 Days Of Freedom

After the week I had, I am so damn grateful to be off from work for the next 3 days.

My neck was hurting really badly when I woke up this morning. I think it was mainly because I slept with my head in an awkward position. Of course, I have my period, and I have been an emotional basketcase the last couple of days too...mainly over the swollen lymph nodes. I promised myself I wouldn't obsess over them anymore, but it's impossible not to. I look on the internet, and all I see are contradictions and doom and gloom. It's making me feel even worse, so I need to stop. I'm hoping it's mainly due to the rash I have on my scalp. It's on the back of my head on the right, so it would make sense that the nodes would swell only on that side, which it is right now. Also, the node behind my ear has gotten smaller over the last 2 days, so I'm trying not to panic, and be positive about things.

I'm planning on watching DWTS, and than turning in for an early night for a change. Let's see if that actually happens, or if i end up being awake until 2-3am.

More stress

My dad is doing much better.

I have swelling behind my right ear, and on my neck. Also, what feels like a bumpy rash on the back of my head. I have no fucking clue what's going on, but the swelling behind my ear started about 2-3 days ago. I felt the swelling on my neck this morning. My sinuses were bothering me yesterday, so i assumed that my lymph nodes were swollen because of that. But the sinuses seem okay today, but the swelling is still there. The little bump behind my ear seems to be a little smaller.

I've been looking it up on the internet, which can be helpful at times, but mostly just accomplishes other than scaring me even more. Sometimes the areas are really sore when i touch it, and others it's not. Sometimes it feels warm, sometimes it doesn't. I'm confused and nervous, and stressed, and .....about ready to cry.

I just want it to go away. Or at least not get any worse, and than go away over the next week or so. I'm not asking for a miracle.







PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Blah

My dad slept off and on all day and night yesterday, and so far, is doing better today.

I have a small lump behind my right ear. I believe my dad had the same thing last year. I'm hoping it's just a swollen gland, or maybe a spider bite, and will go away in a couple of days. I don't need the stress of worrying about being sick now, on top of everything else.

Watched a bunch of crappy movies yesterday...The Fourth Kind being the exception. That was actually really good.

Not much else to report. My life is fucking boring as hell.

I hate titles

This week has been trying.

Dad has been having a rough week. I have been getting little to no sleep. The stress is getting to me.

I haven't been able to focus on reading for about 2 weeks now, which makes me feel out of sorts. I have been watching a LOT of Clean House, and feeling like shit.

Kayla is planning on coming out to see me for 3 days on August 7th. We're supposed to go see Kris Allen at the Borgata (where she will be staying), and she's getting her tattoo. I love her to death, and it will be nice to spend time with her again, but honestly...3 full days seems a little excessive. I mean, there is NOTHING to do around here. And I'm hardly the party animal she is. So, I have no idea what we're going to do for all that time. Whatever...that's 5 months, and a lifetime away.

DC is supposed to be on Idol tomorrow. Doing a Stones cover. Woo. Hoo. Honestly, I will always love the boy, but I am not really thrilled with the idea of him just making his required appearance to do a lame-ass cover song, instead of one of the new songs he's supposed to have been writing since December.

Yes, yes...my attitude sucks over the last week. I can't really muster up much enthusiasm over anything. Work is slowly driving me mad, i am fucking exhausted, I'm stressed out over my dad and the million and one other problems I'm trying to deal with. I can't seem to escape into my head, or into a book like i have been the last year or so. And that fucking depresses me.

Another Fucked Up Day

Today has been a nightmare.

Started with my finding a rash on my dad's right hip that looks like it's heading towards bed sores. Than, the storm knocked out the power at work, but they wouldn't let me leave early, even when I couldn't get in touch with my dad. So, i've been a wreck all fucking day.

I put some aloe cream on the rash, and I'm praying that it at the very least doesn't get any worse, and hopefully starts to get better. God, so many damn things to worry about...

Fuck

Out of fucking nowhere, I am starting to panic about stuff. Like that the landlord will want us to move when the lease is up in July. I have no clue where that came from, but now I'm all stressed. Shit like this always happens when I get ready to go back to work after a few days. My brain always finds something to stress out over. I hate this. I hate it. :(

Where the HELL have I been?!

I just now discovered the beauty of this man...what the FUCK is my problem???!!

I rented the movie Carriers and...within about the first 30 seconds, I was nearly fucking drooling all over myself over him. I mean, I knew OF him, and had seen the commercials for Star Trek, but I guess I never really paid attention to him before now.

First of all, he reminds me a little bit of DC...the lips, and the smirk, and a little bit in the way he carries himself.

Plus, I'm reading Lover Eternal right now, and he is just about the perfect Rhage.

Oh, and when I typed his name into Google, one of the the searches I came up with was "Chris Pine Bulge". And by some of those pictures, he seems to have something else in common with DC. :P

I have a gift

If there is a shitty movie out there, I will watch it. And the sad thing is, in this instance, I actually PAID $5 for the privilege of watching said piece of shit film. I am a fucking moron.

The name of the movie was The Box, and it seriously was one of the worst movie I have ever seen. But, it wasn't an entertaining kind of bad...it was just painfully bad. But still, I couldn't look away...like some kind of car wreck. *shakes head* Oh, and as i'm watching it, I'm saying to myself...this has the feel of a wanna be hip indie movie. Kind of like a Donnie Darko, only gone horribly, horribly wrong. And what do I find out at the end? That it was written and directed by Richard Fucking Kelly....the man who did Donnie Darko!!!! That just makes the entire thing even fucking worse!!!! *screams in frustration*

Corey #1

I just heard on HLN that Corey Haim died this morning.
I don't even know what to say. I have so many memories....really amazing childhood memories, tied into some of his movies. This just makes me so damn sad. What a fucking waste. *sigh*
Why do I feel like this is just going to end up being in opportunity for Feldmen to be on every talk show imaginable? I have no doubt he wouldn't think twice about using this as another way to get some publicity. And that literally makes me fucking sick.

Tuesday's Eye-Candy

No words are needed. Nope...not at all. *sigh*

Precious, and other thoughts

I just watched Precious. It was good, but fucking depressing as hell. I mean, I know it would have been incredibly unrealistic if it had a happy ending, but still...
But, in a way I guess it did have a partial happy ending. Precious got away from her psycho mother, and got her kids back. Anyhow, it was a good movie. Mo'nique was amazing as the psycho mom. And Mariah fucking Carey can actually act. Oh, and I never realized how hot Lenny Kravitz is. Yum. I was kinda hoping that he would make a play for Precious to give us big girls some hope. LOL.

So, I'm not done bitching about House and Ms Blogger Laura Prepon. She actually blogged about needing heart surgery and had her readers vote on which kind of valve she should get. Can you say incredibly implausible???? I mean, I am far from a blogging queen, but everything about that character was fake and impossible. The minute she finds out she's not going to die...she blogs about it instead of spending time with her boyfriend. It was absurdly insulting to think someone would act like that given the situation.Besides, no one's life is interesting enough to have hundreds of readers that generate dozens of comments nearly instantaneously. And no, I am not saying that because I wish *I* had that many readers...hell, I wouldn't want that many people reading my ramblings. It just bugs me when they get things THAT fucking wrong in one of the few TV shows I actually watch anymore.

And here's a point I remembered last night before I even watched the episode. There was an older ep where a Video Game designer blogged about his symptoms and had his readers give their opinions on what kind of treatment he should get, talked about his Drs etc. Again...makes. no. sense. So, not only was it a stupid and unrealistic story idea, but it had already been done on the same show, in the same damn season. Very disappointing.

Moving on....

Dad is spending most of his afternoon, napping. I'm happy he's resting, but he gets very confused when he sleeps during the day. But, I promised I would let him rest, since he has been having trouble sleeping again. I need to be a good daughter and be happy he's resting. He needs as much as he can get.

Nothing much else is going on today. And here is yet another reason why I find it so hard to keep up on a journal. My life is so damn boring, or full of so many problems that i get tired of laying out just how crappy my life really is. But, again...I am going to try. It's good for the soul. Lord knows that I don't have anyone around me in my daily life who can listen to my problems. Why not put it out on the internet for no one to read. Honestly, I think I am the only person in the world who has a blog that no one else reads. But that's okay. I wouldn't read about my life, either.

Inspired

I was watching the beginning of House, and there's Laura Prepon playing a blogger who .... spoiler warning... develops a mystery illness that Dr House needs to figure out. Anyhow, I decided that, yet again, I need to make an effort to keep a journal of my fucked up life. I have been doing this off and on since I was 16, so I really need to try to make an effort to get back into it. Of course I have so started and abandoned so many fucking journals over the years, I won't be surprised if I just give up on this one as well.

So, something that bugged me about Laura Prepon the blogger. She's sitting at home at 2am typing away, and supposedly getting nearly instant feedback from her scores of avid readers. Now, excuse me but I find it very hard to believe that anyone would be hanging on every word that she wrote, considering she's supposedly only writing about her daily life. Maybe I'm just used to no one reading *my* blogs...maybe there are people who have dozens of people sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for someone to update that they went to the dentist.

I need a new title for this journal. Something...inspired.

ETA: I decided on using lyrics from Crime Scene Pt 1. It'll do for now.